The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard Title Card

The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard (2021) – It’s a little looney

Released: 24th June
Seen: 10th June (Advance Screening)

The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard Info

4 years ago, The Hitman’s Bodyguard was released to theatres and it was a cartoon-scented blast of joy straight to the heart. A giddy concoction made up of equal parts explosions and the word “motherfucker” that gave the audience a mindless ride that went for a few hours with some of the most charismatic stars to be put on this planet. Naturally, a movie that’s going for something that broad made bank and so, with The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard, we get a sequel that’s more of what we saw before and thank god for that because I need that familiar sense of normalcy.

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Dream Horse

Willy’s Wonderland (2021) – Five Hours At Willy’s

Released: 21st April
Seen: 31st May

Willy's Wonderland Info

It’s fairly well known that right now a Five Nights At Freddy’s movie is sitting in development hell where it’s lingered for the last 5 years. In that time it’s changed studios and directors and gone through many, many scripts. Currently they are talking about shooting this thing sometime this year, but we’ve heard that song and dance before. The wait has gotten so long for this movie that we’ve already had one knockoff beat it to release, in the form of The Banana Splits Movie. Well, now Willy’s Wonderland is here to show you another version of the Five Nights formula… and this time, I think they got the tone right.

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Army of the Dead (2021) – Deadly Fun

Released: 21st May
Seen: 23rd May

Army of the Dead Info

I’ve made it no secret that I have a bit of a problem with how Zack Snyder has handled his time as part of the DCEU… namely, I believe his drab and depressing interpretation of the iconic DC superheroes is partially why that franchise stalled so hard that it might as well just die so we can hard reset it in a few years and try again. I’m not a fan of most of his work… with one notable exception. I absolutely loved his interpretation of Dawn of the Dead.

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A Quiet Place Part 2 (2021) – Sounds Like Fun

Released: 27th May
Seen: 21th May (Advance Screening)

A Quiet Place Part 2 Info

In 2018 the film A Quiet Place came out and was an instant hit, along with just generally being one of the best films of the year. A tense instant horror classic that was nothing short of miraculous in how cleverly it played with the audience, turning every sound into the most terrifying thing imaginable. It was a film that taught me how to eat popcorn by slowly dissolving it between my tongue and the roof of my mouth for fear I would make a sound so when I heard there was a sequel coming out, imaginatively titled A Quiet Place Part 2, on March 20 of 2020 (a day after my birthday) you wouldn’t find anyone more excited than me.

…and then the world decided to end and this film got pushed back by well over a year. Was the wait worth it? Hell yes it was!

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The Woman In The Window (2021) – Put This In My Rear Window

Released: 14th May
Seen: 20th May

The Woman In The Window Info

Sometimes a film comes out and you can just see its influences before the film even begins. The Woman in the Window as a film is clearly lifting a lot from films like Rear Window and Copycat, which are both fine films to take as influences so you would think that would hopefully lead to an interesting tense movie. Well, apparently this film’s other influence was an overturned trash can that racoons have picked through because this is actual garbage.

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Songbird (2021) – Novid-19

Released: 20th May
Seen: 20th May

Songbird Info

When a disaster happens, it’s only natural for it to somehow end up being a part of people’s art. People process things in different ways and that includes filmmakers. With this deadly pandemic spreading worldwide it’s only natural that people would work it into the art they were making. TV shows like 9-1-1 have been working covid into the background of their stories, movies like Host have used the lockdown as an element of the story. Key word in that sentence is “ELEMENT”, what would happen if someone made an entire film that was just “What if the current pandemic… but worse?”… that person would be making Songbird and I would not like them very much.

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Spiral: From The Book Of Saw (2021) – The Best Saw

Released: 13th May
Seen: 12th May (Advanced Screening)

The Saw franchise is, to put is mildly, polarising. Some people hate it and think it’s disgusting torture porn with little artistic merit, some think it’s a fun over the top slasher series that pushes boundaries, rewards longtime fans and occasionally has something important to say. I fall into the latter category, a fan and defender of this franchise.

Saw 6 would easily be my personal favourite, the one time in the franchise when they really tried to say something about the healthcare system in America. Sure, the series would eventually spiral out of control with the abysmal Saw 3D and the forgettable Jigsaw but really, every horror fan knows that slasher franchises are notoriously hard to kill… and thank god because Spiral might be the best Saw movie ever.

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Mortal Kombat Header

Mortal Kombat (2020) – Eh-Mortal

Released: 22nd April
Seen: 29th April

Mortal Kombat Info

In 1992, Mortal Kombat burst onto the world and forever changed the course of video game history. To say the game was controversial would be an understatement, it was THE game that every single parent hated with a passion. I vividly remember there was a Mortal Kombat arcade machine at my local fish and chips shop and my mother would never even let me look at the screen let alone play the thing (and now I’ve grown up and watch horror movies so violent they would turn stomachs, so clearly that wasn’t effective).

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Stowaway (2021) – Smart-ish Sci Fi

Released: 22nd April
Seen: 26th April

Stowaway Info

Space, the final frontier. A place that very few have ever gone and a perfect location for a film about people stranded in the middle of nowhere. It’s a popular filming location and can be used for high drama (Apollo 11), horror (Alien) or even goofy ass stupidity that is more enjoyable than it has any right to be (Jason X). Of course, sometimes you can go for a high drama and end up somewhere a little closer to stupid but enjoyable… oh, hi Stowaway.

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Run (2021) – Thrillingly Fast

Released: 1st January
Seen: 8th April

Run Info

Do you know the worst part about living in Australia while trying to do film criticism (or whatever we’re going to call what I do on this blog that I run)? There are so many films that I will just never be able to see in a legal manner, not through any local streaming services anyway. We live in a global marketplace where I can have just about anything I want sent to me from anywhere in the world, but movies appear to be one of the exceptions to this rule. 

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