So, because bigotry seems to be all the rage at the moment, I got asked by Soda and Telepaths to write a post about how much bigots suck… I got to 1700 words before I had no choice but to stop for my own health so here you go, read my rambling
Oscar Predictions – 2023
Once again, the time has come to look over the long list of assorted Oscar nominees and say “I, a person with no stakes in this, believe this film should win the little gold naked man” in pretty much every category. Honestly, this year is the year where just about everyone who should’ve been nominated was nominated and the only reason they weren’t is that there are only 5 people allowed per category, there isn’t any real need for my usual soapboxing about why certain people weren’t part of the nominee list… I will, however, make the call now that there will be 14 cringy slap jokes made and none of them will be funny.
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Scream 6 (2023) – Scream A Little Louder
Released: 9th March
Seen: 8th March
On June 6th Neve Campbell made an announcement that she was not going to appear in Scream 6 due to negotiations with Paramount falling through when they didn’t give her the money that she felt she was worth to the franchise. This was, quite frankly, insane to believe because Neve Campbell is the face of the Scream franchise, as important to it as phone calls and the concept of horror movie trivia so for Paramount to decide to just not give her what she is worth is abysmal on their part. It is my sincere hope that when Scream 7 comes around they actually give her what she deserves and then some because I don’t know how many films in this franchise they can make without the iconic Sidney Prescott… apparently, they can make at least one though because, despite this serious issue, Scream 6 is actually fantastic.
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Cocaine Bear (2023) – THE BEAR DID COCAINE!
Released: 23rd February
Seen: 5th March
In 1985 a 175 kg black bear in the wilderness of Tennessee came upon a bag of cocaine that had been dumped from a plane by Andrew C. Thornton II, a noted drug dealer (who, hilariously, jumped from the plane with his cocaine and died because his parachute didn’t open). Like any good bear who finds a fuckload of cocaine, this big black bear ate so much cocaine that it was later found dead from an overdose. This bear has since been taxidermied and given the glorious name of Cokey The Bear… this is a completely true story, this absolutely happened. The only thing we don’t know is what this bear did between finding the cocaine and dying from the overdose. Cocaine Bear decides to answer that question and it’s absolutely glorious.
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The Sea Beast (2022) – Beastly
Released: 8th July 2022
Seen: 4th March 2023
The Sea Beast has taken up the spot of the surprise 5th Oscar nominee in this years Best Animated Feature category, it’s the film that’s seemingly there just because they had to round it out to five nominees. The other four are getting nominated time and time again in several other awards shows but The Sea Beast is basically the one in this category that scraped on in. Theoretically, that means it could probably be the one that was missed out of all of these nominated films due to its likelihood of winning being minimal, but it’s also one of the easiest to get a hold of since it sits on Netflix… and you should go watch it because it’s actually pretty damn fantastic.
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One Bedroom Unit For Rent in Quantum Realm, Still Cheaper Than Sydney
Over on Soda & Telepaths I’ve given satirical article writing a go, because I’m already unfunny when I’m throwing in jokes among genuine critique so why not try to be unfunny without critiques to fall back on!
Top Gun: Maverick (2022) – Right Into The Dangerzone
Released: 26th May, 2022
Seen: 26th February 2023
The second biggest movie worldwide of 2022 was Top Gun: Maverick, a surprise sequel that comes 36 years after the classic 80s film that most people would remember as “The one with Dangerzone and that homoerotic beach volleyball scene”. It was an undeniable smash hit, heralded as the film that saved cinema after the pandemic seemingly destroyed it (indeed, it’s the second film since the start of the pandemic to cross a billion at the box office). It was truly the biggest story in cinema in 2022 and I pointedly didn’t go see it.
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Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania (2023) – Otherworldly
Released: 16th February
Seen: 22nd February
Phase 4 of the Marvel Cinematic Universe has been somewhat polarising for people who are fans of this cultural juggernaut. In the aftermath of the Infinity Saga and dealing with the events of Endgame, Phase 4 has felt somewhat uneven to some viewers who have been vocal about not really knowing where it’s been going. Personally, this hasn’t felt like a big deal since it felt pretty obvious to me that phase 4 is pulling the double duty of dealing with the aftermath of Endgame (This being the major thread of films like Multiverse of Madness, Love and Thunder and Wakanda Forever) and setting up the Multiverse that will clearly be a large factor for phase 5 (This idea is explored in things like Loki, No Way Home and What if?). Sure they’ve been a little haphazard about how to use these ideas and haven’t really made it clear on what’s to come but the groundwork has been laid… and now with Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania they’ve decided to start showing their hand.
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Triangle of Sadness (2023) – Eat The Rich
Released: 2nd February
Seen: 7th February
It is a truth almost universally acknowledged that the rich are a bunch of bastards, very few who aren’t either rich themselves or a bunch of pathetic bootlickers could argue with that idea. In our capitalist society it turns out that most of the problems that we have as a people are basically due to the actions of a handful of obscenely wealthy people (emphasis on ‘obscene’). The only good thing about these people is that they make for excellent comedy fodder, after all who the hell is going to be offended by a joke at the expense of a billionaire… other than the aforementioned bootlickers.
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The Whale (2023) – Big Damn Deal
Released: 2nd February
Seen: 7th February
To be honest, the thought of seeing a film like The Whale is quite frightening to someone like me. A film about a morbidly obese gay man is something that feels a little close to home, while this reviewer might not be at the ‘morbid’ level of obesity it’s hard not to see the images of Brendan Fraser in his expertly constructed fat suit and not see a slight mirror of my own reality. Hell, the ultimate personal irony in seeing this film is that the cinema that was showing this film has chairs that are just a little too small for me to sit in comfortably. Basically, if anyone was either going to have a deep personal connection with this film or be offended by it, that’s going to be me so it’s weird to realise my main reaction is just kind of shrugging.
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Movie Meister Reviews 