Firestarter (2022) – Fizzles

Released: 12th May
Seen: 17th May

In 1980, Stephen King released his eighth book, Firestarter, which did what most King books tend to do and became a major hit. As is also inevitable with all King books, it was adapted into a film back in 1984… this would be an adaptation that Stephen King hates, only unlike his hatred for The Shining he wouldn’t be alone in his dislike of 1984’s Firestarter.

That film was fairly universally panned by both critics and audiences and remains one of the lesser adaptations of Kings work, which means it’s one of the few works of his that probably warrants a second attempt at adapting since they clearly didn’t get it right the first time… so, see you all in about 40 years when they try again because they didn’t get it right this time either.

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365 Days: This Day (2022) – It Still Hurts

Released: 27th April
Seen: 28th April

The year was 2020, we were deep into the horrors of the pandemic and thus desperate for things to keep us entertained since everything was shutting down, which is how a film like 365 Days was able to get dropped on Netflix and become a massive hit on the service… now, granted, everyone could readily admit that the film was a giant piece of shit and was openly mocking how awful it was every chance possible but that didn’t change the fact that it was a monster hit.

It was critically savaged and called out for being a romanticisation of rape that was a poorly filmed/acted/written/scored piece of garbage… and that’s just from my own personal description of it when I gave it the top spot on my worst of 2020 list. 

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The Northman (2022) – For The North!

Released: 21st April
Seen: 26th April

The Northman  Info

Robert Eggers is quickly turning into one of the most fascinating directors in modern cinema. His directorial debut, The Witch, set the horror world alight and introduced us to Anya Taylor-Joy who is becoming one of the most sought after actors in Hollywood. It was the kind of first film that you could only dream of making, garnering critical and financial praise while establishing Eggers as the kind of artist who was able to make an intense period horror that people couldn’t get enough of… something he would prove again with The Lighthouse, a gloriously bonkers piece that proved that Eggers had some wild ideas that he wanted to test out. His first two films proved what Eggers could do on a small scale. The Northman shows what Eggers can do when he’s tasked with an epic and god damn it, it turns out he can do magic.

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Choose or Die (2022) – …Or?

Released: 15th April
Seen: 17th April

In 2018 the film Truth or Dare was released to what could charitably be called ‘mixed’ reviews. It was a film with a fun concept that held back so much that it ended up just becoming one of the blandest horror movies in recent memory. The failure of Truth or Dare is such a shame because a horror film where people have to deal with hard choices that could lead to strange supernatural death is one that has the potential to be a lot of fun, it’s the kind of schlocky idea that this genre thrives on and in the right hands it could lead to something enjoyable.

Apparently, the right hands are not the hands that assembled Choose or Die because they made a movie with that core concept that’s so convoluted it’s hard to enjoy, even though they really go through on the visceral aspect of the genre.

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FANTASIA 2021 Film Festival Review: Strawberry Mansion (2021)

NOTE: Here is my review from Soda & Telepaths that was posted back on August 12, 2021

Strawberry Mansion takes place in a world where the content of people’s dreams is subject to taxation. James Preble (Kentucker Audley) is an auditor whose job is to go through those dreams and figure out how much tax people owe for the strange things that they dream about.

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Ambulance (2022) – Crashing

Released: 24th March
Seen: 7th April

Michael Bay is a very specific kind of filmmaker. His name is basically all you need to hear before you know what the film will contain and his films all feature pretty much the same thing, shit blowing up in various ways causing various amounts of carnage (depending on the film rating he’s permitted to have) that all tend to involve characters who we can charitably call one dimensional and a soundtrack designed to make you walk out of the cinema with your ears ringing. 

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