Top 10 Vampire Burning Deaths

Over on the good old Soda & Telepaths I just posted a listicle about the top 10 best burning Vampire deaths… number one will actually surprise you but it probably shouldn’t because if you know me by now, number one is the exact sort of stupid shit that was almost designed to appeal to me

Swallowed (2022) – Slimy Yet Satisfying

Seen at the Sydney Underground Film Festival

Swallowed Info

When it comes to queer representation in cinema, we’ve come pretty far in recent years by having some pretty mainstream movies throw in some form of representation. Sure it’s been minimal, like the 3-second lesbian kiss in Lightyear that sent everyone insane for a month or when a rock monster was revealed to have two dads but still, it happened. It’s fun to see gay characters popping up and more queer storylines in general… even when they turn up in dark horror/thrillers about drug trafficking, still fun to see.

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Cult Hero (2022) – Worshippable

Seen at the Sydney Underground Film Festival

Cult Hero Info

The world of religion is a wild place even at the best of times, but when religion is at its worst you get a cult. Cults come in all shapes and sizes, from small things like Heaven’s Gate to seemingly large abusive groups like Scientology and they all just pull people into their web and ruin their lives in some way. Sometimes when someone is in a cult you might need to hire someone known as a deprogrammer who will do what they can to pull your loved one out of this toxic environment… and naturally a situation that’s this intense and fraught with danger is just perfect to be the foundation for a comedic action film.

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The Pez Outlaw (2022) – Impezive

Seen at the Sydney Underground Film Festival

It is a truth universally known that Pez is a disgusting candy that no one actually likes. It tastes like chalk that somehow lost all its flavour and it’s shaped like a depressed brick that hates itself. The only reason that they’ve sold so well (and this is merely an opinion) is due to the undeniably clever and adorable design of the Pez dispensers. These dispensers are obscenely popular, chances are good that you have one somewhere in your house even if you’ve never actually bought one… and, naturally, they have an entire underground system of collectors who go to insane lengths to get all the rarest Pez dispensers. You would think that a group of Pez dispenser collectors would be boring and not have any remotely exciting stories… The Pez Outlaw is here to prove you dead wrong.

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Exposing Muybridge (2022) – Photogenic

Seen at the Sydney Underground Film Festival

Exposing Muybridge Info

Every film student at some point has had to look at a set of images that would show the power of motion pictures in a way no one had ever seen before it was made. Those images were of a horse galloping, roughly 16-20 photos showing the horse in different poses that when shown in rapid succession created the appearance of a galloping horse. These images were taken by Eadweard Muybridge  (yes, that is how he chose to spell it) in 18-whatever and basically showed the power of sequential photos and how they could create movement. It’s basically one of the foundational images that created cinema and in Exposing Muybridge, we learn about the man that made it happen and his strange and at times controversial life.

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Pig Killer (2022) – Slop

Seen at the Sydney Underground Film Festival

In 2002, Robert “Willy” Pickton was arrested on suspicion of two counts of first-degree murder. By the time his trial began in 2006, the number of charges had gone up to 27 and by the time he was convicted, Robert Pickton would confess to the murders of 49 women and said he would’ve made it to 50 if he hadn’t gotten sloppy. His murder spree is absolutely horrific, he’s one of the worst serial killers in Canadian history so it’s kinda only natural that someone was going to inevitably use this horrific story to make some form of horror film… did the film have to be this terribly tasteless? Well, yes because the actual case is pretty damn tasteless too but it doesn’t help that the film isn’t great.

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Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022) – Dead Funny

Seen at the Sydney Underground Film Festival

Bodies Bodies Bodies Info

Every now and then, a horror film will come along and decide to basically just roast the current generation and all their eccentricities. Usually, it’ll do this by having a bunch of characters that are stereotypes from that specific era and then pick them off one by one, it’s effective and it works pretty well. The 90s were perfect for this, notably with films like Scream and Urban Legends that filled their films with irony poisoned teens and made fun of them while also giving us a high body count. It was only a matter of time before the current generation was going to get their own pointed ribbing by the horror genre and finally, Bodies Bodies Bodies delivers the ribbing that is well deserved with a side serving of… well, bodies.

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After Ever Happy (2022) – No Happiness Here

Released: 8th September
Seen: 8th September

After Ever Happy Info

As much as one might try to go into a film as impartially as possible, it’s not always possible to do so. We are but humans and thus we will inevitably create biases without even thinking about it. A film’s marketing can set up expectations that a film might never meet, a film could have a dramatic history behind the scenes that leaks out into the public eye and makes you wary of what’s to come (Anyone else excited to find out what the hell is going on with that Don’t Worry Darling movie?) and sometimes you have to go see a film in a franchise that you have lovingly referred to as your nemesis so you go in fully prepared to hate it… So, my nemesis finally released the new entry, After Ever Happy and the film is just as awful as every other one but they finally added a twist that is undeniably fascinating.

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Me Time (2022) – Lonesome And Dull

Released: 26th August
Seen: 5th September

Me Time Info

When it comes to cinematic experiences, there is absolutely nothing worse than an unfunny comedy. Failing at a serious genre is a recipe for potential campiness which can be its own special kind of fun but failing at comedy just leads to annoyance and boredom from anyone who is unlucky enough to watch. If you fail to be serious, at least the viewer can laugh at the failure and get some kind of enjoyment out of it but failure to be funny when that’s your intention will never go well… how the hell Me Time fails this hard at being funny considering its cast is hard to believe.

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