A Minecraft Movie (2025) – Loading…

Released: 3rd April
Seen: 22nd June

Is there even any point to doing this? No, seriously, was there any point for any reviewer to even consider touching this movie? Sure, I’m reviewing it several months after it was a phenomenon, largely because there is no way in hell I was going to be in a cinema while a bunch of people went insane for a zombie jockey on a chicken, but even when it was just coming out, what was the point of reviewing it? A movie based on Minecraft is one of those things that’s almost certainly never going to be some kind of critical darling but no matter what it was going to make a shitload of money. Not only did it end up doing that (Currently it’s the highest grossing film of the goddamn year) but it ended up being responsible for the trashing of several cinemas when audiences forgot how to watch a damn movie and lost their minds during a scene where a zombie boy rides a chicken. A Minecraft Movie is review-proof, there is no point… except that I saw it and I just have to ask, am I old now? Am I too old for this? Have I aged out of stupid childish trash? No, it’s the children who are wrong.

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Fear Street: Prom Queen (2025) – Down With Prom

Released: 23rd May
Seen: 24th May

In 2021, a horror film event happened that really showed the potential for what could be done with a streaming platform that wanted people to notice what it was releasing. Over the course of three weeks Netflix released the Fear Street Trilogy, a set of horror films inspired by the R.L. Stine books that all took place in different time periods, played around in different eras of the horror/slasher genre, and all connected to create a grand overarching story. It was dark, twisted, queer and just a ton of fun. I even named the entire trilogy as one of the best films of 2021, which is a choice I stand by because every single entry did something truly great within the slasher genre. They were films that understood what makes the genre fun and their success as an event pretty much guaranteed that there was going to be more. When they announced that we were going to get a new entry with the subtitle Prom Queen, this reviewer was excited at the prospect… never be excited about things, it leads to disappointment.

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Kinda Pregnant (2025) – Pregnant Pause

Released: 21st March
Seen: 26th April

Amy Schumer is one of those comics who always gets a bad rap and is a common target of some pretty intense online vitriol. If you ever hear some online douchebag proclaim that women aren’t funny, her name will be one of the first ones to come out of their shithole mouths. Now I believe that Amy can be a pretty funny comic performer when she has the right material, her work on the Comedy Central Roasts was universally great, her first film Trainwreck was hilarious, her TV series Inside Amy Schumer had some brilliant sketches that still hold up to this day and I’ll even say she was a good co-host of the Oscars a few years ago. She has her problems as a performer, but she is capable of being very funny… just not in Kinda Pregnant, but that’s because there’s not much about that film in general that would be considered funny.

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Back In Action (2025) – Dull and Lifeless

Released: 17th January
Seen: 22nd April

In 2014, Cameron Diaz did something quite admirable. After the release of Annie, she announced her retirement to spend more time with her kids. Considering this was Cameron Diaz, one of THE major movie stars of the era, for her to stop working on her own accord was a major thing. This was one of those celebrities who could sell a movie just on their name alone being attached. She had a two-decade-long career that was the envy of many others in her generation, and then she just chose to stop acting. People have been hoping she’d make a return for ages, almost since the day she announced her retirement, but she stuck to her guns until this year when she took part in the Netflix film appropriately titled Back in Action, her grand return to the movies… she deserved better.

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The Electric State Header Image

The Electric State (2025) – Shockingly Bland

Released: 14th March
Seen: 16th March 

In the last few decades, filmmaking has gotten more expensive. It was not that long ago that the idea of spending even $50 million on a single film sounded insane, now you’re lucky to find a film that costs under $100 million that isn’t an indie film. According to Wikipedia, there are 89 films that (adjusted for inflation) cost over $200 million and only six of those films are pre-2000. This is a crisis state that’s setting up films to fail and put hardworking filmmakers out of jobs and it doesn’t help when a film that costs $320 million to produce is as meaningless and forgettable and undoubtedly financially devastating as The Electric State.

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Vengeance Most Fowl (2025) – Splendid

Released: 3rd January
Seen: 5th January

Wallace & Gromit Vengeance Most Fowl INformation

In 1989 the world was introduced to a lovable cheese-obsessed inventor named Wallace and his silent sentient super-smart dog named Gromit in the Oscar-nominated short film A Grand Adventure. Little did anyone know at the time that they had created a pair of cultural icons who would go on to be a major part of British pop culture for the next 35 years and counting. The charming little claymation characters and their somehow both subdued and wacky adventures would end up being the stars of a well known trilogy of shorts that included The Wrong Trousers and A Close Shave (the last two getting Oscars) and eventually made their way to the big screen with the 2005 film The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit. It’s been almost 20 years since then and apart from one more short it’s been very quiet for Wallace & Gromit but now they’re back with their new film Vengeance Most Fowl and once again they’ve proven that charm and a little bit of clay is a match made in heaven.

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Don’t Die: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever (2025) – Eternally Average

Released: 1st January
Seen: 5th January

Bryan Johnson is a weird man, that’s the story you’ll find if you google him. A tech millionaire who has dedicated his life to the pursuit of immortality through a strict regimen that includes 100 pills, multiple high-end medical devices and plasma transfusions from his son. It’s an undeniably odd story on some level, there have been people obsessed over their health since the first vegan told everyone else how much they loved being vegan but Bryan Johnson is on his own unique level. Bryan truly seems to believe that the insane hard work that he’s doing will actually keep him from dying and the documentary Don’t Die: The Man Who Wants To Live Forever gives you a glimpse into his lifestyle… I might choose death over this option but to each their own.

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Unfrosted (2024) – Bland

Released: 3rd May
Seen: 5th May

Unfrosted Info

Throughout the 1990s it was inarguable that the biggest person in pop culture was Jerry Seinfeld. For nine seasons his TV series was nothing short of a cultural phenomenon, taking the mundane elements of our day-to-day lives and creating iconic television comedy out of them. What makes Jerry’s run as the star of the biggest TV show of the decade so incredible is that he could’ve gone on even longer, indeed he was offered millions upon millions to do a 10th season but he turned it down because he wanted to go out on top. Ever since then, Jerry has mostly stuck to doing little documentaries, talk show appearances and a show about comedians in cars drinking coffee but, except for The Bee Movie, Jerry has never really returned to the world of acting since his show finished… and Unfrosted is a reminder of why he shouldn’t act anymore because it turns out he stopped being good at it in 1998.

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Rebel Moon: Part Two – The Scargiver (2024) – Scarring

Released: 19th April
Seen: 28th April

On the 19th of April an interview with director Zack Snyder dropped where he delivered this quote:

You may love or hate my movies, I’m 100% fine with that but a vote against me is a vote for the focus groups. Know by saying ‘Snyder sucks’ you’re also saying “you know what? give me more focus groups! I want Happy Meals!

As one might expect, the second this phrase hit the internet there was a group of people who took issue with it, myself being one of them. This quote kind of speaks to the arrogance of Zack Snyder, how he seems to believe that his films are something so outside the mainstream and doing something so unique that we have to support him for the love of cinema. It is, truthfully, one of the most pretentious things that has ever been said by a director of mainstream cinema… it’s also absolute bullshit because, having now seen Rebel Moon: Part Two – The Scargiver, there’s truly nothing about it that goes against focus groups because it reeks of the most pandering studio bullshit one could imagine.

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Nyad (2023) – Goes Swimmingly

Released: 3rd November 2023
Seen: 7th February 2024

In 2013 at the age of 63, Diana Nyad did something borderline impossible. She swam from the shores of Havana, Cuba to the beaches of Key West, Florida. The journey was 110 miles long and involved her staying in the water for 53 hours to complete it… it also took her 5 tries, four of those happening while she was in her 60s. Along with her team in a nearby boat and her coach Bonnie Stoll, Diana pulled off something truly staggering that’s only been accomplished by 2 other people before her (That we know of). Now sure, the Guinness World Record people and the World Open Water Swimming Association have not certified the swim (short version, they claim it counts as assisted because she wore a protective suit to avoid being stung by jellyfish and may have been touched every now and then by crew members who were trying to help her every now and then during the 2 and a half days she was swimming in the freezing ocean) but fortunately the biopic Nyad gives us a version of the story worth hearing.

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