The Apprentice (2024) – Dump Trump

Released: 10th October 2024
Seen: 28th January 2025

Donald Trump is one of the worst human beings ever to set foot on planet Earth. He’s a racist, a sexist, a bigot, a fascist, a probable tax cheat, an adjudicated sexual abuser (I want to call him a rapist but apparently you can’t call him that because, according to the civil suit, he only forcibly penetrated E Jean Carol with his fingers and not his penis so we’re going to stick with sexual abuse), a man responsible for the spread of so much covid misinformation that we will never be able to put an end to that disease even though we had the tools to stop it and that’s just referring to the stuff he’s done in the last 5 years. History books are going to write about this man in the same tones that we now talk about a certain German man who also had a really shitty hairstyle… but unfortunately for all of us, this absolute scumbag piece of shit got to be president because enough idiots fell for his scam which means his life actually has historical importance and so, like a lot of other presidents before him, Donald Trump gets to have his own biopic… fortunately, it’s a biopic that shows him for what he is: SCUM! (and yes, I put this up the top of the review because if this paragraph upsets you because of me insulting Trump, the film is going to do worse so you are warned… you’re welcome)

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Emilia Pérez (2025) – Oscar Bait

Released: 16th January
Seen: 26th January

Throughout my time writing this blog, I have made a point to champion when a film presents a minority group in its narrative – even if the film itself is not particularly great, it still deserves praise for breaking the mould and showing people as they are. This has been particularly notable when it comes to a film that presents members of the LGBTQ+ community since, as a member of the G part of that acronym, it’s nice to see those in your social group represented. Even subpar representation is still, on some level, representation and deserves to be brought up. It also feels important to bring this up in regards to films that are getting Awards nominations, particularly at the Oscars who have a bad history related to this. Enter this year’s biggest Oscar nominee Emilia Pérez which might be the most high-profile story about a trans woman in cinema this year… and sadly it’s just not a good film, to the point that it’s baffling that it’s become this awards darling.

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The Substance (2024) – Substantially Brilliant

Released: 19th September
Seen: 19th October

In April 2015, the show Inside Amy Schumer aired an episode titled “Last Fuckable Day” which contained a sketch featuring Amy alongside iconic actresses Tina Fey, Julia-Louis Dreyfus and Patricia Arquette. In the sketch Amy comes upon Tina, Julia and Patricia celebrating Julia’s Last Fuckable Day, the day that an actress goes from being considered fuckable to just being considered an elderly woman reserved for mother roles. It’s a hilarious and scathing indictment of the very real agist sexism that pervades the entertainment industry and how it treats women. Over the years there’s been several ways to talk about the culture’s obsession with looks, youth and fuckability in the media. Still, for the longest time the strongest indictment I saw came from this silly mid-2010’s sketch comedy series… and now we have The Substance, proving that horror is still the best genre for exploring complex concepts like this.

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In A Violent Nature (2024) – Follow Friday

Released: 1st August
Seen: 3rd August

2009 is the last year that we got a Friday the 13th film in theaters. This franchise dominated the 80s and created an icon of horror cinema but has been dormant for 15 years. 15 years without an entry in a franchise known for being cheap to make and an almost certain bet at the box office is insane. The only thing that we’ve had from this franchise in that time has been a couple of fan films and a video game in 2017. That video game was an asymmetrical game where one player got to be Jason while everyone else played counselors and that design choice left the people making the game with a bit of a dilemma. 

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Inside Out 2 (2024) – Deep Thoughts

Released: 13th June
Seen: 30th June

In 2015 Pixar released Inside Out, a fascinating film that explained the complex concept of emotions in a funny, heartwarming way and was incredibly accessible for people to understand. In my humble opinion, it’s also the best thing that Pixar has put out that didn’t include Woody or Buzz Lightyear. It was truly a miracle of a film that has some of the most beautiful imagery and emotional beats (Seriously, you want to make me cry like a baby in under 10 seconds? Just start singing “Who’s your friend who likes to play?” and I’ll lose my damn mind). It was about as close to perfect as you could get from the Pixar people and it made so much money that it was inevitable a sequel would happen. It took almost a full decade for them to make it happen but now we finally have our follow-up to the emotional rollercoaster that was Inside Out and fortunately, Inside Out 2 manages to live up to the expectations that were set for it.

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Rebel Moon: Part Two – The Scargiver (2024) – Scarring

Released: 19th April
Seen: 28th April

On the 19th of April an interview with director Zack Snyder dropped where he delivered this quote:

You may love or hate my movies, I’m 100% fine with that but a vote against me is a vote for the focus groups. Know by saying ‘Snyder sucks’ you’re also saying “you know what? give me more focus groups! I want Happy Meals!

As one might expect, the second this phrase hit the internet there was a group of people who took issue with it, myself being one of them. This quote kind of speaks to the arrogance of Zack Snyder, how he seems to believe that his films are something so outside the mainstream and doing something so unique that we have to support him for the love of cinema. It is, truthfully, one of the most pretentious things that has ever been said by a director of mainstream cinema… it’s also absolute bullshit because, having now seen Rebel Moon: Part Two – The Scargiver, there’s truly nothing about it that goes against focus groups because it reeks of the most pandering studio bullshit one could imagine.

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American Fiction (2024) – Stranger Than… Well

Released: 9th January
Seen: 27th February

We live in an age where we keep hearing the same refrain over and over again, “No one can take a joke anymore, you can’t joke about anything”. It’s a refrain screamed largely by people who’ve been telling the exact same joke since 1993 and can’t be bothered to update their material. The truth is that you can still make jokes about pretty much anything as long as you do it well, you can push the boundaries of good taste if you’re able to actually do something interesting. Comedy is still fairly easy to do and can be quite shocking while doing it, you just need to not only tell the jokes well but know what you want to target with your comedy. American Fiction knows exactly what it wants to target with its comedy, and oh boy does it land every single punch that it throws.

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Past Lives (2023) – Living

Released: 31st August 2023
Seen: 25th February 2024

There’s a pretty standard formula when it comes to romantic dramas about childhood sweethearts who split apart and then bump into each other as adults. The cute childhood couple ends up blowing up their adult lives because the connection they had decades ago is still so strong and it’s cute, it’s romantic, it’s a cliche story choice for a reason because it’s got a feel-good charm to it, but it’s also not realistic. Being willing to blow up your life to be with someone you knew as a kid is not something people really do that often, but it happens all the time in movies. You never see a story of people who used to have a relationship, reuniting and realising that things actually turned out kind of OK in the long run… at least, you didn’t until Celine Song came along and created a realistic and truly touching romantic drama called Past Lives

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May December (2024) – Once Upon A December

Released: 1st February
Seen: 13th February

In 1997, Mary Kay Letourneau pleaded guilty to 2 counts of second-degree rape of a child. The child in question was 12-year-old Vili Fualaau and what made this case turn into the stuff of tabloid legend was that not only would Mary Kay go on to give birth to Fualaau’s child while in prison (two of them throughout the relationship, but one specifically was born during her initial prison sentence) but they would eventually get married and remain married for 14 years, until 2019. The entire story was everything that the tabloids love, it had sex, intrigue, lying, and a hint of a taboo romance that created an epic drama that people could follow. Everyone who was around then heard at least one or two comics making jokes about how lucky Vili in particular was to be in a situation where an older woman had sex with him, it was the ultimate water cooler topic for ages… and in the center of it all were two people, one of whom was a victim who didn’t get his story told. Sadly, May December doesn’t tell his story as it probably could’ve, but using the Letourneau/Fualaau story as a springboard it weaves a darkly fascinating tale of its own.

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Nyad (2023) – Goes Swimmingly

Released: 3rd November 2023
Seen: 7th February 2024

In 2013 at the age of 63, Diana Nyad did something borderline impossible. She swam from the shores of Havana, Cuba to the beaches of Key West, Florida. The journey was 110 miles long and involved her staying in the water for 53 hours to complete it… it also took her 5 tries, four of those happening while she was in her 60s. Along with her team in a nearby boat and her coach Bonnie Stoll, Diana pulled off something truly staggering that’s only been accomplished by 2 other people before her (That we know of). Now sure, the Guinness World Record people and the World Open Water Swimming Association have not certified the swim (short version, they claim it counts as assisted because she wore a protective suit to avoid being stung by jellyfish and may have been touched every now and then by crew members who were trying to help her every now and then during the 2 and a half days she was swimming in the freezing ocean) but fortunately the biopic Nyad gives us a version of the story worth hearing.

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