Released: 12th March
Seen: 12th July
In 1985, Return of the Living Dead was released. Created by John Russo, the co-creator of Night Of The Living Dead, the film was a comedic follow-up to the deeply disturbing original that became a cult hit on its own and was the origin of the idea that Zombies specifically hunger for brains above all else. It spawned a bunch of sequels of varying quality but is still an important element of horror’s history… and Cold Storage is the knockoff brand version of that franchise, and hey considering it’s been 20 years since we got a Return of the Living Dead movie then someone might as well come up with an alternative for us to enjoy.
Cold Storage takes place in a 24-hour storage facility that’s being run by a couple of 20-somethings who took the job because it was the only one available. Naomi (Georgina Campbell) is a single mother just trying to make it by while Travis aka Teacake (Joe Keery) is a lovable loser who just got out of prison. The two of them work pretty well together, keeping each other from being bored senseless during the lengthy night shift. At one point they start hearing a strange beep coming from the wall, some investigating leads them to learn that the storage facility they work in used to be a government facility that was used to hold a very potent space fungus that can take over people’s brains, use their warm bodies to multiply before exploding and spreading (all while looking like zombies). Naturally, this is a problem that requires a little help so they end up getting in touch with Robert Quinn (Liam Neeson) who is going to help them save the world… if he can get there in time.
Cold Storage is one of those films that does enough things just well enough that it’s enjoyable when you really don’t think about it too much, everything just goes by nice and easy with no major problems holding it back. This shouldn’t be too much of a shock because it’s written by David Koepp, I expect the guy who wrote Death Becomes Her, Jurassic Park and Panic Room to be able to put together a passable script and sure enough the man who wrote some of the best blockbuster films of all time is still quite good at coming up with a script that flows neatly from plot point to plot point without anything too major holding it back. Sure the script isn’t perfect (we’ll come back to that), but in general the major elements flow easily enough that you won’t get lost; if anything, they can sometimes overexplain things just so everyone’s clear about what’s going on. The bright green spores are bad, it spreads incredibly quickly (they literally namedrop Covid just to make it crystal clear how easily this stuff infects people) and it results in big goopy explosions… There’s no mistaking anything going on here, simplicity is king.
One thing that Cold Storage does spectacularly well is blending tones, there are enough scenes here that play dead seriously that gives the events a real sense of urgency which, in turn, heightens the comedic moments. It can seamlessly switch from weird, messed-up body-horror scares to slapstick and pratfalls about as easily as you can imagine and that strong juxtaposition really helps make for an entertaining watch. It never really pushes either one so far that it feels out of place, there’s no tonal whiplash going from one to the other which makes for a nice, easy, casual viewing experience. You’re not going to break your brain watching this one, it’s not the kind of film that’s going to challenge you that much, which is a shame because it touches on enough subjects that it could’ve really used to be a little more meaty.
One of the big throughlines of Cold Storage is the impact of global warming, it’s pretty much stated that global warming is what ruined the system used to store the fungus but it’s a throwaway line at best. This kind of leads to the biggest problem that Cold Storage keeps having which is that in its quest to keep things as easy as possible, that also means the resolutions for everything are pretty easy. Everything just kind of works when needed, bullets miss main characters like they were fired by storm troopers, any potential things that could prevent the heroes from winning (government bureaucracy, a failing bomb, exploding zombie deer) all seem to just kind of step aside without any major interference. There’s literally a character (played by the legendary Vanessa Redgrave of all people) who is basically set up so they can save our main heroes from a potential jam and then just casually walk out without a problem.
That ability for a major plotline to just be dropped or resolved with an almost comical ease removes any real tension that the film could hope to have. Sure, it probably should be concerning that our heroes are trapped in a storage unit with a fungus-infected monster just outside but considering how nothing up to that point has even remotely mattered, there’s nothing there that makes you worry they’re not going to make it. There’s no ability to feel tension because there’s no attempt to make things tense, to the point where even the ending can feel somewhat anti-climactic because you just don’t have that worry that things are going to go wrong. That lack of tension kind of makes this one of those films that’s fine while you watch it but pretty forgettable once you turn it off, it doesn’t really linger in the memory that well beyond the few moments that made it to the trailer, which is a shame because you can tell there was a lot of potential here.
With a cast this good and a setting this perfect you’d hope that Cold Storage would be able to rise above just being passable but passable is where this movie seems to be aiming for. It’s by the numbers horror-comedy with just enough to get by but never enough to excel. It’s aiming for a C grade, the kind of film you wouldn’t rush to turn off if you caught it playing on TV but wouldn’t be so eager to watch that you would make the time for it. It’s a time-passer with some gnarly effects and a few fun moments that’s basically carried by a likable enough cast. Cold Storage is lukewarm at best, which is sad, given what it could’ve been.
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