Seen 16th July

My Cousin Rachel Poster.jpg

Let’s run a little experiment. What happens when you take ALL of the Lifetime movies and throw them together into a period drama inspired by a 1951 novel with Finnick from The Hunger Games and Evelyn from The Mummy… yes, you get this thing.

My Cousin Rachel may be one of the most bizarrely bad movies I’ve seen and it’s problem is not the performers. In fact to be completely fair, Rachel Weisz and Sam Claflin give solid performances as a pair of cousins who meet and fall in love while also believing the other is a complete sociopath. They play those cousins who sleep together incredibly well. Also the visuals are really great, I absolutely believe that this little part of england is so beautiful that you wouldn’t be able to resist just porking your cousin by the side of a cliff.

So yeah, this movie has a ton of cousin sex. Like… a lot. Rachel is a character who was widowed by the cousin of Sam’s character. Her old husband? ALSO HER COUSIN. Oh and he is Sam’s cousin. This is a movie about three cousins, one of whom dies of a brain tumor and then the other two just go at it. Because that’s how reality works right? Who hasn’t married their cousin and then, during the grief brought on by the death of their husband-cousin, go off to meet and eventually sleep with their other cousin who was raised by their husband-cousin which I think technically makes Sam’s character Rachel’s step-son-cousin. This movie is in cinemas.

So about that brain tumor. Sam’s character (Who is named Philip but you don’t care about that part right? You’re still stuck on all the cousin sex) believes that Rachel actually killed him in order to get the estate and so in order to get back at her for that he signs his estate over to her the instant that he turns 25 and they engage in sex on top of a pile of random jewelry. If this isn’t stupid enough, turns out that maybe she actually did kill him and is now trying to kill Philip because of the reason.

This film absolutely adores a rack focus. I think it did about 1 of those every few minutes because they worked out how to do it and it looked pretty. For those who don’t know, a rack focus is a shot where something in the foreground is in focus and then something in the background is in focus, it’s usually used to tell the audience that a certain item is important to a character. If you notice a character looking at something, that thing will usually be pulled into focus as a shorthand way of keeping you in touch with what the character is thinking. In this movie it’s used on a leg of lamb among a million other things of no value.

The film is at least decently made, they know how to shoot the set they’ve stumbled upon but really you would have to be worse than Michael Bay in order to screw these shots up. On the whole it’s a decently acted movie with an average understanding of how shots should look, a weak script and an insanely stupid plot. It really is just not worth your time unless you stumble upon it sometime when you use Netflix in a year. Upside, it was at least humorously bad in some parts which puts it way above that Transformers movie that I’m still traumatized by.


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