So normally I would be typing about how my newest review is on Soda & Telepaths… well, they’re merging with Phasr Media so now sometimes my articles will pop up over there, including this review of a movie called Malum which is a remake of another movie called Last Shift and I had a large number of thoughts about it.
Evil Dead Rise (2023) – Groovy
Released: 20th April
Seen: 20th April
In 1979, Sam Raimi ran off into the forest with a bunch of his friends (including the chin-tastic Bruce Campbell) to make a feature length version of his short film Within The Woods. It was an insane idea made on a microbudget with effects that Sam made up on the fly, people got injured on set and for some reason they decided to strap a camera to a plank of wood and have two guys run through the swamp carrying it to get the shot. It was the kind of filmmaking that would make insurance agents weep and it ended up creating the 1981 film The Evil Dead.
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Trim Season (2023) – Let’s Smoke Outside
So over on the old Soda & Telepaths they asked a non-pot smoker to review a horror movie about pot smokers… that’s also genuinely fantastic, go read me rave about it.
Scream 6 (2023) – Scream A Little Louder
Released: 9th March
Seen: 8th March
On June 6th Neve Campbell made an announcement that she was not going to appear in Scream 6 due to negotiations with Paramount falling through when they didn’t give her the money that she felt she was worth to the franchise. This was, quite frankly, insane to believe because Neve Campbell is the face of the Scream franchise, as important to it as phone calls and the concept of horror movie trivia so for Paramount to decide to just not give her what she is worth is abysmal on their part. It is my sincere hope that when Scream 7 comes around they actually give her what she deserves and then some because I don’t know how many films in this franchise they can make without the iconic Sidney Prescott… apparently, they can make at least one though because, despite this serious issue, Scream 6 is actually fantastic.
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M3GAN (2023) – Living Doll
Released: 12th January
Seen: 19th January
In 2019, thanks to some wild legalese that still makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, MGM released the film Child’s Play which was a remake of the 80s classic of the same name. The big thing that made the new Child’s Play different (besides it being bad) was that the doll was actually a robot with advanced AI that had violence programmed into it… it was dumb and not good in many ways but the fact that it was a feature-length version of the “Someone switched this thing to evil” gag from Treehouse of Horror instead of the possession story that we loved was a big reason why. However, the idea of a child’s toy that kills due to faulty AI isn’t a half-bad idea, it just didn’t work with the Child’s Play franchise but if someone smart were to take that idea and make it original, fun, maybe a little campy and not stupid as fuck then maybe we might have something.
Pleased to report, M3GAN is original, fun, campy and not stupid as fuck, we absolutely have something here.
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The Pale Blue Eye (2022) – Meh-dgar Allen Poe
Released: 6th January
Seen: 8th January
Last year I reviewed a little film called Raven’s Hollow which asked the question “What if Edgar Allen Poe tried to solve a murder that would feel right at home in an Edgar Allen Poe story?” and it was quite OK, it was a good movie that did pretty much what you would hope a film might do with that basis and that was about it. Indeed in general the best thing that can be said about it is that apparently, it might’ve started a mild trend of films where Edgar Allen Poe has to deal with the messed up shit that is found in Edgar Allen Poe stories, which could be a fun genre to play in and while The Pale Blue Eye is certainly trying to do something interesting with the idea, it doesn’t quite do it right.
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The Invitation (2022) – RSVP-lease Stop Immediately
Released: 25th August
Seen: 9th December
It’s been said a few times that 2022 has just been a fantastic year for horror. It feels like every few weeks there’s another horror film coming out and a shocking amount of them have been absolutely incredible. From surprising microbudget hits like Terrifier 2 to major releases like Scream, horror this year has been on another level of quality the likes of which we haven’t seen in a long time. However, even in a year full of fantastic horror films there will always be a few major duds and it’s fair to say that The Invitation might be the biggest horror dud of 2022.
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Pearl (2022) – Xtroardinary
Released: 16th September (United States) WHO THE HELL KNOWS!? (Australia)
Seen: 6th December
Earlier this year the film X was released to critical praise and a pretty impressive box office for a super low-budget horror film. It’s easily one of the films that will be used in future when discussing how good 2022 has been for the genre. At the end of screenings of X was something very interesting, a trailer for a prequel called Pearl that had already been shot and would be released at some point in 2022. This is pretty impressive because original films don’t tend to get the ability to film back-to-back movies before the first film has even been seen, it was a gamble and a half but it was certainly exciting to think about.
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Beast (2022) – Not Lion Around
Released: 24th August
Seen: 2nd December
Man VS Beast is possibly the simplest and oldest story type that exists and one that has certainly been a mainstay of cinema for years. From big-time blockbusters like Jaws to smaller-budgeted films like Crawl, putting a human being up against a ravenous animal is a pretty simple and effective way to create some decent horror. In the case of Beast the man is Idris Elba and the creature is a lion, so you pretty much know what the entire film will be from start to finish and it doesn’t really do much to deviate from the exact plot that you have already begun writing in your mind.
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Orphan: First Kill (2022) – Esther Begins
Released: 1st September
Seen: 2nd December
In 2009 the film Orphan was released to an audience who were there to learn the answer to one fateful question… “What’s wrong with Esther?”. The question of just what was going on with the young girl in the poster is the most notable thing about that movie, its shocking third-act reveal (which I have to assume you know if you’re curious about the prequel, but I’ll hold off on stating it explicitly until the third paragraph just in case) being the thing that elevated the original Orphan into something truly unique and memorable for anyone who saw it.
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