Seen 4th July
Despicable Me as a series has become known more for it’s sentient tic-tac Minions than anything else. This movie clearly wanted to try and reverse that connection but gosh darn it those little pills of yellow just keep popping up.
Transformers: The Last Knight
Seen 3rd July
In the 2004 film Team America Matt Stone and Trey Parker posed a very simple question, “Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?”. They were referring to Pearl Harbor, A film where Michael Bay decided to turn one of the worst attacks on America into a love story. Well, good news, Michael Bay is no longer desecrating American history… he’s moved on to desecrating the entire planet’s history, science, logic, basic movie making and humanity in general.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul
Seen 1st July
In the late ‘80s and ‘90s when VHS was getting popular, there was a phenomenon known as the “Straight-to-video Movie”. When DVD came in, they only got bigger. Straight-to-video movies were huge because they were cheap to make, you only needed one recognizable name and as long as there was a Blockbuster around you were guaranteed to make money. This genre is why Steven Seagal is able to eat. It’s also the genre that Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul should be in because it sure as hell doesn’t belong in a cinema.
Rough Night
Seen 30th June
Picture it, Sicily 1998. A little film called Very Bad Things was released. In it, a prostitute is accidentally killed during a bachelor party and everyone loses their minds. This film asks the question “So what if we did almost exactly that, but changed all the genders”. Turns out, you get… well… meh.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
Seen 28th June
It’s strange to think that somehow Disney was able to look at a ride in their theme park and somehow come up with 5 movies worth of stories. Now if only they’d learn how to tell that story in under 2 hours.
Continue reading “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales”
The Mummy (2017)
Seen June 26th
In 1932, Boris Karloff brought us “The Mummy”, one of the classic Universal movie monsters that reigned for a large part of the early period of cinema between the 20’s and the 50’s
In 1999, Brendan Fraser appeared in “The Mummy”, one of the most enjoyable films of the 90’s and one of the few remakes that is at least as enjoyable at the original.
Then in 2017 Tom Cruise appeared in “The Mummy”… it was a movie.
Wonder Woman
Seen June 15th
For as long as I can remember, there have been talks about a Wonder Woman movie. There were talks of TV series pilots, including the infamous NBC pilot that basically turned Wonder Woman into a sociopath who didn’t care about anyone or anything other than the size of the tits on her action figure (And god do I wish I was kidding about that). At one point Joss Whedon was going to handle the movie but that didn’t pan out. Basically for pretty much my entire life there was only one live action Wonder Woman who went by the name of Lynda Carter, as far as I’m aware she is the only person to play the part on film… until Gal Gadot came around, and thank Zeus that she turned up when she did.
Baywatch
Seen May 28th
Adapting TV shows into feature length films is not easy. Simpsons, 21 Jump Street, Barney’s Great Adventure, many shows have made the leap from the small to the big screen with varying degree’s of success. They often take one of 3 options when it comes to storytelling
1) 3 Episodes of the TV show sewn together ass-to-mouth
2) A super long episode of the TV series
3) An actual movie that doesn’t rely on you knowing the source material in order to enjoy it
Baywatch picked option 3 and… well… it doesn’t outright suck.
Alien: Covenant
Seen May 12th
In space, no one can hear you scream. It’s probably one of the most iconic taglines in cinema history from one of the most iconic movie’s of all time. It’s sequel was just as iconic, some would dare to say it’s better than the original. It was followed by a few more sequels, then a couple of team ups, and then a weird semi-prequel called Prometheus… each of these films are not exactly remembered fondly. This is a standard problem in the horror genre, the first few movies are good but after a while the series gets bad. Alien: Convenant is one of those rarities… a sequel that’s about 6 films deep into a series that doesn’t suck!
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