The Apprentice (2024) – Dump Trump

Released: 10th October 2024
Seen: 28th January 2025

Donald Trump is one of the worst human beings ever to set foot on planet Earth. He’s a racist, a sexist, a bigot, a fascist, a probable tax cheat, an adjudicated sexual abuser (I want to call him a rapist but apparently you can’t call him that because, according to the civil suit, he only forcibly penetrated E Jean Carol with his fingers and not his penis so we’re going to stick with sexual abuse), a man responsible for the spread of so much covid misinformation that we will never be able to put an end to that disease even though we had the tools to stop it and that’s just referring to the stuff he’s done in the last 5 years. History books are going to write about this man in the same tones that we now talk about a certain German man who also had a really shitty hairstyle… but unfortunately for all of us, this absolute scumbag piece of shit got to be president because enough idiots fell for his scam which means his life actually has historical importance and so, like a lot of other presidents before him, Donald Trump gets to have his own biopic… fortunately, it’s a biopic that shows him for what he is: SCUM! (and yes, I put this up the top of the review because if this paragraph upsets you because of me insulting Trump, the film is going to do worse so you are warned… you’re welcome)

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Unfrosted (2024) – Bland

Released: 3rd May
Seen: 5th May

Unfrosted Info

Throughout the 1990s it was inarguable that the biggest person in pop culture was Jerry Seinfeld. For nine seasons his TV series was nothing short of a cultural phenomenon, taking the mundane elements of our day-to-day lives and creating iconic television comedy out of them. What makes Jerry’s run as the star of the biggest TV show of the decade so incredible is that he could’ve gone on even longer, indeed he was offered millions upon millions to do a 10th season but he turned it down because he wanted to go out on top. Ever since then, Jerry has mostly stuck to doing little documentaries, talk show appearances and a show about comedians in cars drinking coffee but, except for The Bee Movie, Jerry has never really returned to the world of acting since his show finished… and Unfrosted is a reminder of why he shouldn’t act anymore because it turns out he stopped being good at it in 1998.

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Maestro (2023) – Play Me Off

Released: 20th December 2023
Seen: 15th January 2024

With the Oscar nominations being announced just a few days ago, the time has come to tackle the annual tradition of playing catch-up on every nominated film that I somehow managed to miss throughout the year. Sometimes a film just isn’t released down here before the nominations (That’s happening with over a dozen films that I could see), sometimes a film is released but falls past the radar of must-see (how the hell was I meant to know that The Creator would be an Oscar nominee) and sometimes a film just seems like it’s going to be something I’m going to hate trying to review and because this is an unpaid hobby I avoid it until absolutely required… my dislike of biopics put Maestro firmly in that category and while I can admit it’s great, it’s still not my cup of tea.

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Rustin (2023) – Historic

Released: 16th November
Seen: 23rd November

Bayard Rustin was born in 1912 and lived one of the most fascinating lives that you will ever skim through on Wikipedia. Raised as a Quaker, the man was openly gay back when that was a much more dangerous thing to be than it is now (and oh boy is it still dangerous now), he recorded several albums of gospel music, was at the forefront of many civil rights movements and even ended up adopting his lover in the 80s because they were unable to get married so had to do the most creative workaround ever to ensure they had their rights. The man is genuinely fascinating, someone who should probably have an entire docuseries made about his life but if you were to pick one event from his remarkable life to make a movie about it seems fitting that his work in organising the legendary march on Washington would be the focal point for the biopic Rustin.

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Killers Of The Flower Moon (2023) – Damn It Scorsese!

IMPORTANT NOTE: This piece was written during the 2023 SAG-AFTRA strike. Without the labor of the actors currently on strike, the movies being covered here wouldn’t exist.

Released: 20th October
Seen: 4th November

Killers Of The Flower Moon Info

There are some directors who seem pretty much incapable of making a genuinely bad film, Martin Scorsese is one of those people who just seems incapable of making something that’s actually bad. It’s honestly kind of amazing the streak of undeniably great films that this man has had, he’s the kind of director whose filmography is so great you could have hour-long arguments about which is his best and there’s at least a dozen solid choices you could make. It’s kind of amazing to think that this man is still putting out absolutely brilliant films in his 80s and doesn’t show any signs of slowing down any time soon. Even now with another absolutely fascinating work, Killers of the Flower Moon shows the man keeps on hitting… but he also really needs to be told to make a film under 3 hours because it’s getting silly at this point.

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Flamin’ Hot (2023) – Heart-Warming

IMPORTANT NOTE: This piece was written during the 2023 WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes. Without the labor of the writers and actors currently on strike, the movies being covered here wouldn’t exist.

Released: 9th June
Seen: 3rd September

In the episode of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend titled “Josh’s Ex-Girlfriend Is Crazy” there’s a song titled The End Of The Movie where noted songperson Josh Groban reminds us of a universal truth… “Life doesn’t make narrative sense”. This reality creates a problem when someone becomes famous enough to warrant a portion of their life being turned into a biopic, a strange series of events has to be somewhat retrofitted into a three-act film structure in a way that might not be completely accurate but still tells a satisfying story. 

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My Barbenheimer Experience

IMPORTANT NOTE: This piece was written during the 2023 WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes. Without the labor of the writers and actors currently on strike, the movies being covered here wouldn’t exist.

There really is nothing quite like a good old double feature. Two films intentionally curated to be screened back to back and shared by a collective audience who can use one film to build up to another, it’s an idea so fundamental to the film-going experience that at least one film has opened with a song dedicated to the glory of double features (albeit ones of the Science Fiction variety). 

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Tetris (2023) – Fittingly Exciting

Released: 31st March
Seen: 22nd April

In 1985, back in the USSR, a man named Alexey Pajitnov was tasked with testing out a new piece of hardware to figure out what it was capable of. Of the many things he tried, one thing he did was make a game where a set of blocks fell from the sky in random shapes consisting of four squares and if you lined them up, those blocks would disappear. That game was called Tetris and for a game that is such a ubiquitous part of gaming, the story of how it ended up managing to be released outside the Soviet Union (that’s how long ago this was, Russia was still the Soviet Union at the time) is absolutely bonkers and told wonderfully in the movie Tetris… shame because I was hoping the Tetris movie would be an insane attempt to turn the actual game into a narrative but hey, a biopic works too.

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