Unfrosted (2024) – Bland

Released: 3rd May
Seen: 5th May

Throughout the 1990s it was inarguable that the biggest person in pop culture was Jerry Seinfeld. For nine seasons his TV series was nothing short of a cultural phenomenon, taking the mundane elements of our day-to-day lives and creating iconic television comedy out of them. What makes Jerry’s run as the star of the biggest TV show of the decade so incredible is that he could’ve gone on even longer, indeed he was offered millions upon millions to do a 10th season but he turned it down because he wanted to go out on top. Ever since then, Jerry has mostly stuck to doing little documentaries, talk show appearances and a show about comedians in cars drinking coffee but, except for The Bee Movie, Jerry has never really returned to the world of acting since his show finished… and Unfrosted is a reminder of why he shouldn’t act anymore because it turns out he stopped being good at it in 1998.

Unfrosted tells the completely fictitious story of the creation of the Pop Tart, from the POV of its alleged inventor Bob Cavana (Jerry Seinfeld). Turns out the tasty pastry was created as part of an intense war with rival cereal company Post run by the evil Marjorie Post (Amy Schumer) who has seemingly figured out how to make a toastable snack that’s great for the kids. Bob knows that he needs to beat Marjorie to this discovery to help Kellog keep its title as the king of the breakfast and so, with help from his boss Edsel Kellogg III (Jim Gaffigan) and NASA scientist Donna Stankowski (Melissa McCarthy), Bob has to figure out how to make Pop Tarts into a viable product… yes, this is really the plot of a movie that someone wrote, presented to a studio and actually got made. This is why Netflix keeps putting up their prices, we ride at dawn to take the company down by force.

OK maybe that’s a little bit hyperbolic (me? Hyperbolic? NEVER!), but it’s not like telling the story of the creation of a food product in the form of an over-the-top comedic feature film is impossible. It wasn’t even a year ago when Flamin’ Hot took the story of the invention of the flaming hot Cheeto and turned it into a charming little film that had a lot of cute jokes, a charming lead and an interesting take on the immigrant experience in modern America so it’s absolutely possible to make something interesting out of this kind of topic, which almost makes it worse that Unfrosted seems to have been made with the active intent to be about as bland as slightly burned toast. 

The structure of Unfrosted feels like someone took a look at something like Weird: The Al Yankovic story and wanted to make something kind of like that, an obviously heightened comedic take on the real story that diverges into pure farce. You can see them trying to have that with moments like the main characters going to get a drug cartel to sell them all the sugar they can get or with a pair of precious kids dumpster diving for leftover samples of Post’s versions of pop tarts, it’s clearly meant to be an over the top piss-take on corporate espionage but the problem is that it’s never funny for even a moment. You can certainly see where jokes might be tried, where they might have put one expecting to get a laugh but I’ll be damned if anything they threw out landed.

Most of the reason that the jokes don’t land is poor delivery, which is stunning considering how stacked this cast is with heavyweight comedic performers. There was a time when a cast like this would seem to be almost tailor-made for any comedy you could ask for but everyone here is just not getting the job done, no one can get a good rhythm or tone going so the jokes just kind of die in silence right before everyone. The only one who comes close to making something work is Hugh Grant who plays the Tony the Tiger mascot and is also a Shakespearean actor. It leads to a few moments where you can see Hugh trying his best, with better scene partners he might even be able to get a rhythm going and get some comic banter flying but unfortunately for Hugh, his main scene partner is Jerry Seinfeld and THAT is where all the problems of Unfrosted coalesce. 

Jerry Seinfeld is a bad actor. Hell, that’s actually being kind because Jerry Seinfeld isn’t an actor, he’s a stand-up comic who got a sitcom written around his unique personality and then hired some of the best actors of that time to work around him. In that specific environment, Seinfeld thrives because he doesn’t need to do anything other than be himself… he doesn’t have the range to do anything else. What this movie proves more than anything is that Jerry Seinfeld can’t act in a part that isn’t specifically named “Jerry Seinfeld” and meant to be played as a 90’s stand-up comic from New York. If he tries anything that requires even a slightly different characterisation, he’s completely fucked. Every single bit of his performance here is just Jerry which is fine when the story is about Jerry Seinfeld but this isn’t a story about Jerry Seinfeld, his mannerisms and specific timing don’t work here and he clearly doesn’t give a damn about changing anything about his style. It worked for him in the ’90s, why won’t it work now?

In fact that attitude is another part of the problem, everything about this film feels incredibly dated to the point where it wouldn’t shock me if it was written in the 90s and only just got found now. None of the material matches the time the film takes place in, nor does it really reflect modern comedic tastes. This is bad ‘90s stand-up observational humour, the kind that Jerry made millions off of about 30 years ago when he was relevant. It doesn’t work now, someone smugly eating cereal and commenting on how it’s like a drink and a meal at the same time isn’t being some incredibly observant witty genius… they’re being a smug prick who no one likes. There are so many times when it feels like Jerry has contempt for the audience who won’t laugh at his jokes, you can almost feel it in the delivery (and also in recent interviews he gave where he claimed you can’t make jokes anymore because of political correctness… he said this while promoting a film that’s about as edgy as a ball covered in motor oil).

Unfrosted is so damn dull and lifeless I want to poke it with a stick just to see if it moves. It’s proof that Jerry Seinfeld has been running on fumes for 25 years and has nothing of value left in the tank, he should just stick to living on residuals from other people’s brilliance because he doesn’t seem to have any left in him. As part of the promotional tour for this film, Jerry said that he wanted to make this film the opposite of Barbie and he definitely achieved that… Barbie was funny, artistic, well made, well written, well acted, intellectually fascinating, a cultural phenomenon and worth watching a second time and Unfrosted is the exact opposite of every single one of those!