Released: 27th April
Seen: 28th April
The year was 2020, we were deep into the horrors of the pandemic and thus desperate for things to keep us entertained since everything was shutting down, which is how a film like 365 Days was able to get dropped on Netflix and become a massive hit on the service… now, granted, everyone could readily admit that the film was a giant piece of shit and was openly mocking how awful it was every chance possible but that didn’t change the fact that it was a monster hit.
It was critically savaged and called out for being a romanticisation of rape that was a poorly filmed/acted/written/scored piece of garbage… and that’s just from my own personal description of it when I gave it the top spot on my worst of 2020 list.
For the next 2 years, there were rumours that there would be sequels but surely the covid pandemic would put an end to that. Surely Netflix would realise that no one actually wanted more of this absolute excrement and just move on, put their money somewhere better and actually put in some goddamn quality control.
That’s what would happen if Netflix had someone halfway intelligent running it but whoever they have in charge of picking the films they pay for decided “No, let’s make 2 more of these romantic rape films… why not?”. So now we are left with the first of the two sequels 365 Days: This Day, a film that somehow took a look at the first one and said “I haven’t even BEGUN to be completely shit”
365 Days: This Day doesn’t bother with a plot and why the fuck should it? Sure the last film ended on a cliffhanger that implied that the main female character Laura (Anna-Maria Sieklucka) might’ve died in a tunnel after Massimo’s (Michele Morrone) rival gang followed her into a tunnel but actually following up on that might imply that this franchise actually cares about pesky things like ‘quality’ ‘storytelling’ or ‘the audience’.
Instead of actually caring about the story they were trying to tell, 365 Days: This Day picks up a considerable amount of time later after Massimo and Laura have gotten married and then we begin what will turn into the structure of this film… sex scene set to absolutely atrocious music (fortunately this time the music isn’t all sung by the lead actor in his wannabe Chad Kroeger voice), 5-15 lines of dialogue that mean nothing, followed by even more sex. At least the previous movie waited 10 minutes between sex scenes to try and make a plot happen, this one barely lets them wipe the jizz off before they’re going at it again! No, this isn’t a porno, pornos actually care about trying to titillate the audience. This is just incompetence masquerading as a film.
Throughout 365 Days: This Day Laura is annoyed that she’s just expected to be the wife of this mafia boss with nothing to do (keep in mind that the entire plot of the last film was how he kidnapped her and has killed people, so being a wife seems like the best-case scenario here) so therefore she gets bored and irritable and wants something to do. Now, of course she doesn’t actually end up doing anything because that would imply that Laura was actually a character and she’s not, she’s there because we need a woman the female audience can pretend to be so they too can have sexy fun time with the bad boy Massimo… which then leads to the next bit of stupidity.
In the one moment where this film tries on some level to have a plot, Laura walks in on Massimo having an affair (because for some reason she expected her kidnapper and rapist to be loyal to her) so she gets upset and at roughly the halfway mark a character called Nacho (Simone Susinna) helps her escape. Yep, it’s taken a full film and a half butt Laura finally escaped from her kidnapper, and it’s not treated like the big deal it is. Sure, it’s not like the kidnapping was the entire plot of the last movie… oh wait, it was. The entire last movie was about how she couldn’t escape and in this one she does it without even trying. Did I mention this is a bad movie badly written based on a bad book by a bad author?
Laura then has an almost boring normal relationship with Nacho while we occasionally cut back to Massimo being upset that his ‘wife’ isn’t nearby and we are clearly meant to somehow be on Massimo’s side even though, again, he is objectively one of the worst characters to ever be put on celluloid. The extent of trying to make this character likeable is asking Michele Morrone to make puppy eyes every now and then, you know between all the fucking… oh, and everyone fucks every 3 minutes, did I mention all the fucking? It’s the only thing this film has going for it is the blunt and explicit sex scenes that are about as sexy as smashing a Barbie and Ken doll together in various positions.
Everything about 365 Days: This Day is just repugnant in every way. The sex isn’t sexy, it’s just vulgar. They’re doing it because they can’t think of anything else to do so let’s just have everyone very obviously fake fucks in ways that could be interpreted as hot and intense if you have no standards. It’s almost comical just how bad the sex scenes are because these scenes are objectively a lot more intense than your average sex scene, certainly more intense than some of the other films in this genre of film but being intense is not the same as being sexy.
The acting is just pathetic, no one is believable at anything. No one in 365 Days: This Day can deliver a line convincingly, not aided by the fact that every line of dialogue is absolute dog shit. No one is giving a performance that could be considered interesting or good or fun, 365 Days: This Day is clearly trying a big dramatic gangster film and no one is giving a performance that belongs in that kind of film. Hell, the performance’s aren’t even bad enough to be in a hilarious porno scene, I wish I had a moment that was as funny as “Right in front of my salad?” here because that would imply that any of the actors involved give a damn.
365 Days: This Day is filmed terribly, which isn’t aided by the failed attempt at editing which only enhances how bad everything looks, and everything in this film doesn’t need enhancement to look bad. Sometimes 365 Days: This Day will fall into that annoying style of editing where everything goes slow motion and every shot is split up by a fade to black, which I’m sure someone thought looked cool back in the 90s but in 2022 it’s just a sign that you’ve got nothing to work with. Even the soundtrack is horrible, every song is so melodramatic and badly mixed that it feels like they’re trying to overpower your senses so you can at least pretend you’re watching an actual film. Again, at least they aren’t asking the main actor to sing this time but that doesn’t mean the soundtrack is improved in any way.
Oh, and if you are silly enough to watch 365 Days: This Day (I did it so you don’t have to) then don’t be shocked if you can’t keep track of who is who because everyone basically looks the same and has such bad characterisation that it’s very easy to lose track of who is who. It’s practically impossible to keep track of everyone, certainly impossible to care… oh and it becomes even harder when they introduce a twin brother in the last ten minutes because why the hell not make this as stupid as possible.
Seriously, the last ten minutes are some of the stupidest shit I’ve seen in a long time and it all ends on a cliffhanger that I am going to guarantee they’ll ignore in the next movie because, again, this film franchise just isn’t even trying. We’re talking an ending that is somehow even more explicit about the fate of a main character than the last film, an ending that should’ve had some form of emotional weight but it’s just incredibly confusing and undoubtedly means nothing in the long run.
Somehow, beyond all belief, 365 Days: This Day is actually worse than the original. At least 365 Days had something resembling a plot, a core concept that was used to anchor all the sex scenes to create something that could resemble a story. This film ignores that in favour of badly shot sex scenes and dialogue that technically sounds like it was written by human beings.
365 Days: This Day is a film that makes me long for the nuance of 50 Shades of Grey because at least in that film franchise you can understand why everyone involved wants to be there, this film has none of that. It’s vile, contemptible, pathetic and useless. Calling 365 Days: This Day a piece of shit feels like an insult to faeces. Every single thing about 365 Days: This Day is bad and the fact that there’s still one more to go only fills me with dread.
For the love of God, just watch porn.
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