Released: 29th November
Seen: 29th November

The month of December’s a fabulous thing
There’s joy in the air and carols to sing
The lights are hung high upon every roof thatch
And stores sell their toys in many a batch
And down in the cinema, some of the time
Sits a pretentious reviewer, thinking in rhyme
(Yes, we’re doing this. What did you expect?
To give up on this gimmick, that would be neglect)

“Oh joy” snarked the reviewer, nestled low in his seat.
“Another Illumination film, what a treat,
Oh look, there’s a minion cartoon to be seen”
He watched them in anger, his skin turning green
“It’s stupid” he mumbled “Timing they lack,
In this pathetic short titled ‘Yellow Is The New Black’”
He kicked at the chair and felt so forlorn,
Wishing he’d bought Toffee Apple Popcorn.

He stared up in boredom, not a laugh to be heard
The lack of amusement felt rather absurd
The bright yellow character’s shaped like a pill
So annoyingly stupid that they made him feel ill
When the short film had ended, he sighed in relief
“Those things just aren’t funny, it beggars belief”
And then it began, much to reviewer boy’s disatisfaction
The start of the real (pointless) feature attraction

It started OK with a couple of jokes
Although they got no bloody laughs from the folks
The designs looked quite nice, it had to be said
The film seemed alive, just the audience was dead
For scene, after scene, the pixels danced brightly
“To be fair” he admitted “It isn’t unsightly,
I dare say this isn’t the worst that I’ve seen,
Indeed I might even imply that I’m keen
To see more of the scenery surrounding this tale”
Then the story set in, and he let out a wail

Through cinema history, if you’ll indulge for a pinch
There’s only been two movies made of The Grinch
The first was live action, starring Mr Jim Carrey
To say it was popular would be cautionary
It was dark but engaging, an actual cult classic
Although the who’s may have been made from plastic
Yet for some unknown reason, I never will know
They decided the Grinch needed backstory. NO!
This one does it too, the same dreadful plot
About how the Grinch was an orphan as a tiny green tot
It’s pointless, it’s stupid, it’s rather unseemly
“I’m afraid I can’t look at this plotline quite keenly”

Then there’s the music, it’s utterly crap
We do not need “Mean one Mr Grinch” as a rap!
Sure, the carols are nice… up to a point
But the whimsy is gone, it broke out of this joint.
It lacks lots of life, like one might expect
Replacing it with repatative notes to forget
The reviewer smacked himself in the face
“At least it’s not shocking Grinch butt in my face”
No sooner had the words left the reviewers dumb lips
Did the Grinch bend on over and shake out them hips

“What’s the problem?” he thought, trying to understand
“It’s not that it’s awful, it’s just terminally bland,
It’s not that I hate it, indeed I’m quite frightful
That I find some sequences are rather delightful,
The scene with the goat brought out a small titter
Like a silly one-liner one reads on the twitter,
Then there is Cindy, she’s got character now
Not much, but enough that it makes me say wow
But the jokes, they’re not working. Almost all of them suck”
Then another failed joke made him mumble “Oh Fu-“

Minutes ticked by, the padding abundant
Multiple sequences felt quite redundant.
The characters bored and it really got scary,
When the film underutilised Angela Lansbury.
“Oh my god” He grumbled out under his breath
“It’s not awful, just boring. Boring, almost, to death
Can anything happen to give me delight,
To make this film not a waste of my night”
Now sure, he was seeing this film in the day
But it’s part of the gimmick so… just go with it, ok?

When they got to the end, to the iconic conclusion
With the heart growing large amidst Christmas confusion
And they stuck the landing, they had it… and then
They added more padding and he grumbled again
“HOW” he yelled on the inside “COULD THEY
THINK THAT THEY NEEDED TO ALTER THE ENDING THAT WAY!?”
He leaned back again and pouted a little
“I do not enjoy how they chose to belittle
This iconic story about capitalism
And how it is meaningless against altruism
The story was perfect, it had quite the message
But it’s lost in this padding that’s rather excessive”

When the film was all done, he rose from his seat
Walking out to his car, slowly dragging his feet.
“It’s not that it’s bad” He explained to himself
“It’s just that the film doesn’t trust it’s damn self,
The story is timeless, iconic, transgressive
Dr Suess, if he’s anything, was rather obsessive
With getting a message snuck into his story
And this one is simply a good allegory
About loving each other each holiday season
About coming together, whatever the reason
It’s a cry against a consumerist culture
That inundates December like a vulture
And instead of that, we get a piece of dumb fluff
In a little green suit with his hair in a puff”

The movie itself isn’t awful per se
But it’s nowhere near great, I would just stay away
If you’re looking for something to delight the kids
Might I say, watch the cartoon from 1966
So that it the end of my rhyming review
And if you didn’t like it well… I’m sorry, I really couldn’t resist this opportunity to be a little silly, I swear it won’t happen again unless Illumination decides to do another Dr Seuss film which I really hope they don’t because I have personally had enough of people trying to adapt these books into films that last longer than 15 minutes… crap, that didn’t rhyme… thankyou?

It’s light and fluffy, no bite and nothing memorable about it. It won’t harm your kids, but they won’t gain anything either

What did you think about The Grinch? What’s your favourite Dr Seuss Book? Let me know in the comments below

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