It’s that time again. That time in the season where we separate the tops from the bottoms, the time when we see who is a queen and who is just a man in a dress, the time when we get our first clear idea of who the hell is going to be the top 4 of the season. It’s time for us to play the Snatch Game… but first, let me talk about last week.
Last week I didn’t write one of these for the Drag Con Panel’s episode because I’m a Uni Student and I had to make a choice of spending hours writing one of these things (Yes, I’m sure this is a shock, this thing takes me a few hours to write even with my awful stupid spelling errors that I’ve got to get better at catcheng) or be a good boy and finish my assessments. That’s also why there’s been a really big gap between reviews… because I have homework to do (I’m going to have a HUGE catchup backlog come December). So, consider the next paragraph my review of last week.
The Proportionizing panel was hilarious, Bryce was a damn good sport to be everyone’s dummy, even if only the first panel actually used him properly. The makeup panel was a bland clusterfuck and probably should’ve put either Aquaria or Asia in the bottom two for their painfully confusing attempted makeup tutorials. The wig one… oh god, that hurt to watch because I could see what they were going for but they failed so hard that it landed The Vixen and Blair in the bottom two, shortly after Blair revealed a personal story that’s the most heartbreaking thing. Blair St Clair is a brave little toaster of a queen who deserves all the love in the world, especially after that main stage admission about sexual assault. It’s even more heartbreaking that she had to go home that week when she lost the lipsync to Vixen, who admittedly did turn that thing out (Even if she did an air saxophone during the trombone solo… just saying, learn your instrumentals). So if you love Blair as much as… well, everyone, then go see her on tour if she’s anywhere near you, go buy some of her merch (She has a wig in her store… you can be Blair St Clair for Halloween and live your Single White Female fantasy) and go watch her amazing song Now or Never on Youtube because she has a voice of an angel that I wish we could’ve heard sing on the show at some point. She is a sweet precious beacon of light and if Vanjie doesn’t pull off getting Miss Congeniality just because of the never-ending memes, it should go to Blair and I can’t wait to see her on All-Stars 4 when she’ll finally be old enough to compete without needing a fake ID… and that’s what I missed on Drag Race. Oh, yeah, Blair was going to do Rachel Berry as her Snatch Game this week… because, ya know, God hates us and denies us things that would be goddamn amazing.
OK, that was quicker than usual, now it’s time for me to be a rambling jackass for a few thousand words because that’s what I do because I do not have the self-confidence to put this shit on camera like the actually popular reviewers do.
So, THIS weeks episode begins with a revelation about Monique having to make her costumes in about half an hour because she couldn’t afford to buy her outfits ahead of time. That’s a shocker to me because I genuinely think her looks are fine and the fact she is pulling together these looks in under a half hour before hitting the stage is amazing. Even if her looks aren’t up to everyone else’s level, she has pulled out complete looks in under an hour and she hasn’t been called out for it. Hell, I’m going to guess that the first time the judges heard that she made those outfits in a half hour is when the episode aired. It shows just how much she want’s to be there and how incredible she is as a queen. Think about it, if this is what Monique had to bring to this competition when she had no money and was making things up on the fly… imagine how good her looks are going to be now that she’s on tour and making money? That’s pure raw talent there and it’s so great to see.
Speaking of things that are great to see, it’s time for the queens to pull out a pair of glasses and say nasty things to each other because it’s time for the reading challenge, a challenge that almost always has at least one queen who sucks at reading but… nope, not this time. This time every queen read for filth and so just going to give my top five favourite reads (In order, cos I’m petty like that) because if I were to go person by person I think I’d just end up listing every single read.
- Eureka: Kameron Michaels, I don’t really have a read for you, please just fuck me. Please, just fuck me!
- Miz Cracker: Eureka O’Hara, I know you’ve probably seen Dumbo” like a thousand times but it doesn’t matter how big you paint these wings, you are staying on the ground bitch!
- Kameron Michaels: Monet X Change. Ru, just an exchange? I would’ve asked for a full refund
- The Vixen: Kameron Michaels, I think I speak for all the girls here when I say we’re really gonna miss you next week
- Monet X Change: Miz Cracker, you coin yourself as thin, white and salty but you’re forgetting bitter. Bitter that you are a New York city queen that had to fuck Bob the Drag Queen to get to the top.
So, I have a question… how come Miz Cracker was able to name drop a Disney movie? In All-Stars 2, Tatianna very obviously had to dub over her read because she named a brand (Chipotle would be my guess) so you can hear the echo in the room she recorded the word “Mexican” in. So how come Chipotle wasn’t OK, but a Disney property was? Disney is WAY more litigious than Chipotle so I just wanted to know the reasoning behind that. Anyway, the winner of the mini challenge was Eureka which was foreseeable when they showed three of her reads compared to two of everyone else. I mean either show an even amount of everyone’s or just show all the reads, literally no one will object to seeing just 20 minutes of the queens reading each other and it’s not like VH1 has anything else on that people care about so just make the episode an hour and a half… thank you for listening to this suggestion that you clearly read, person who works at VH1.
So in the workroom, nothing really happened… not really, Bianca Del Rio turned up to give the queens advice on how to play Snatch Game which was perfect. After getting Alyssa Edwards to turn up in the second episode, it’s so great to see they brought back another queen for this episode. I hope they do it more though, why couldn’t they have gottena seamstress like Bianca Del Rio in for the ball challenge to give them tips on how to make a quick outfit, or get a comedian like Bianca Del Rio to help them learn how to adlib for the Bossy Rossy show, or even get a show host like Bianca Del Rio to show them how to take charge of a panel last week… basically, why isn’t Bianca Del Rio in every episode ever just being the ultimate queen that she is and reading everyone into the ground? I don’t think I’m asking much, I just want constant doses of Bianca Del Rio inserted (Anally) into my favourite TV show, that’s not too much to ask for.
In the workroom, we see Eureka has two options of Snatch Game characters. She could either be Divine or Honey Boo Boo and once she does her Divine impersonation it’s pretty clear that she should do Honey Boo Boo. It’s a little bit of a shame that no one’s done Divine yet, maybe in a future season there’ll be some big girl who can take Divine and bring her to life but for right now, we’ve got Honey Boo Boo.
We then have the opposite problem with Monique Heart who has a choice between Maxine Waters or Cookie from Empire and she ends up choosing Maxine. What really sucks is that I’m convinced that Monique could’ve absolutely killed with Cookie, I don’t even watch Empire but I saw the RuPire challenge in season 8 so I know Cookie is a big personality and could’ve been hilarious. I love Maxine Waters, she has a big personality but you can’t push that to the level you could’ve pushed Cookie.
Then we have another problem with Asia who had to choose between Whitney Houston and Beyonce and ended up choosing Beyonce because she was basically told she couldn’t make the obvious drug joke. It’s honestly kind of a bummer, yes doing a drug joke might’ve been a bit dark but it would’ve been funny… funnier than Beyonce who has been done two times on the show already and bombed so hard that it should just be assumed that you should never play Beyonce! Yeah, the Whitney high on coke joke might not have worked but at least that’s a joke. What jokes are there to make about Beyonce? Nothing, she’s a goddess descended from heaven above… please don’t let the Beyhive kill me.
Miz Cracker will be responsible for our “Obscure reference that no one in the audience gets” performance. I’d never heard of Dorothy Parker before her but she seems like a fun choice, it’s kind of fascinating to learn about this woman who seems like a hoot. I also like how they address how hard it is to pull off insult comedy, especially after last weeks disaster in the wig panel.
Aquaria is preparing to bring us Melania Trump and finally, they address a problem that I’ve had with Aquaria since day one. I haven’t seen the real Aquaria yet, or at least I didn’t see enough of her to understand her but this talk with Ru and Bianca let me see what was there the whole time. I can see the sense of humour, I can see how determined she is and I can see what’s special about her. This is the Aquaria I’ve been eager to see and now she’s here, I’m in.
Once everyone leaves the room, we have the big event itself so let’s talk about Snatch Game and about who did good, and who didn’t.
Monique Heart: To her credit, Monique started strong with her opening line, that sign was comedic gold and she had the starts of something but it quickly crumbled when she didn’t have a single joke. Nothing. She tried to bring up the “Reclaiming my time” joke but other than that it was just a disaster. All I kept thinking was how much more fun she’d have had if she’d been Cookie, she would’ve been able to own that top row easily. She also kept breaking character and it was just sad to see.
Kameron Michaels: Kameron was really good. I had no idea who Chyna was because I’m not a sports person, I don’t know anything about these… tennis players? Whatever, I don’t know who she is, but Kameron was hilarious with her jokes. Especially the testosterone joke, just the quick drop in voice was great. She kept in her character the entire time and used those muscles to her advantage to get some good moments of physical comedy. It’s possibly the most we’ve heard Kameron’s voice all season and I’m so happy to see it.
Miz Cracker: Cracker was good, she got out a few good jokes and really kept her character consistent throughout the entire game but she just didn’t stand out that much. Her best joke was about the swimsuit issue and she addressed the wrong guest when she was delivering that joke. It was definitely a safe performance which is not quite what I expected from Cracker but considering who she was next too, safe is pretty good.
Asia O’Hara: No. More. Beyonce. I’m done, no, don’t. No more, I forbid it. I rebuke it in the name of the lord. Let’s ignore the fact that Asia didn’t even look like Beyonce, she turned Beyonce into a bitch… and not even a funny bitch. An abusive bitch who abuses her child in front of everyone. It wasn’t just unfunny, it was painful. It was a pure character assassination that should’ve been avoided at all costs. I would rather watch Kenya Michaels drugged up Beyonce from Season 4 again than see another second of Asia’s version of Beyonce because at least Kenya’s was so wrong that it was funny. Hell, TYRA was better at Beyonce because at least Tyra didn’t turn Beyonce into an abusive asshole.
Monet X Change: There is no way on earth that Monet knew that Maya Angelou was portrayed by a queen in All Stars 3, but she still showed exactly how Maya Angelou should be played. She had poems ready, she had a “Caged bird sings” joke ready, she was quick and funny and was paying attention the entire time. She had comebacks for when someone came for her, she came prepared for anything and it was absolutely hilarious.
Aquaria: Where the fuck was this personality? Have I been asleep all season? THIS IS, WITHOUT A DOUBT, ONE OF THE BEST SNATCH GAME PERFORMANCES EVER! The details are absolutely jaw-dropping. From the Michelle Obama nametag at the start of the game to the references to Russian Hookers. Saying “Trinity’s” to get around copyright was incredible, I won’t be shocked if it comes out that Aquaria knew Morse code and was blinking out “Help me”, that’s how detailed this performance felt. “It’s alright Barrack” KILLED ME DEAD! I may not have understood Aquaria before but now I’m all in, I love what I saw and I can’t wait for more.
The Vixen: I can’t. I. Can. Not. No. Blue Ivy? The silent child of Beyonce who is only famous because she’s Beyonce’s child and has no actual personality that’s known to the world? You could’ve done ANYTHING! ANY THING! She could’ve made Blue Ivy into a rebellious teenager who flipped everyone off, she could’ve made her into a brat and thrown tantrums, she could’ve literally done anything and she didn’t do a single thing other than pout and get trampled by Asia’s abusive Beyonce.
Eureka: This was the most precious thing. I’m so glad Eureka went with Honey Boo Boo instead of Divine because it let her be an absolute pure joy every time the camera went to her. Every answer was a silly childlike picture that built up to a great punchline. She took Honey Boo Boo and turned her up to 11, it was so fun and so insane that I can not get enough of her performance.
This might be one of the best Snatch Games yet, there were only 2 real problem characters on the stage but everyone else was either really good or great, there weren’t any dull moments so it was a ton of fun to watch. Then we get to the workroom and oh boy… Oh boy. OH. BOY.
So The Vixen vs Eureka is a storyline that can end any time now. I’m done, I’m done with it. The Vixen calling Eureka unprofessional, both in the workroom and on the stage, was in itself unprofessional. Unless the editors did some truly masterful editing to hide Eureka being unprofessional, that was just Vixen’s insecurities showing up because Eureka was pulling the attention from her. When their fight ended up being taken onto the stage and then to Untucked it was just too much, it was actually painful. I like The Vixen, I like that she’s a strong queen who stands up for herself and doesn’t let anyone give her crap. I’m here for a queen who isn’t going to let anyone talk down to her… but god damn it woman, pick your battles. This wasn’t even a battle, this wasn’t even an issue, this was just bullying on The Vixen’s part and unless there is some context missing from the show (ALWAYS A POSSIBILITY) then this was uncalled for and just made her seem like a bitch.
The runway this week was Mermaid Fantasy, inspired by The Divine Miss M (Because we couldn’t have waited until Bette Midler is inevitably a judge to do this tribute to her) and it was kind of funny seeing everyone being wheeled down the runway by the Pit Crew with snorkels, it was really a clever idea and there were some great looks. Aquaria in her Oil Spill Mermaid look was genius and I loved Eureka’s Ursula look, blood and all. I think if she could have been able to make Divine work that it would’ve been even better because you can totally see hints of Divine in her mermaid look, especially in the eye area. The worst, for me, was easily The Vixen’s look almost purely because of that bra that put her tits underneath her armpits and that weird thing on her shoulder just didn’t look good at all. I was also not fond of Monique’s look, but she made that on the day and considering how quickly she put that together I can honestly overlook most things.
Also, Alex Trebek turned up for two random appearances for literally no reason that I’ve been able to comprehend, but I’m here for them. It’s stupid and funny, I’m very OK with that being a thing that happens more often. Next Season just get Drew Carey to do a random The Price is Right joke, because why not? Just having random hosts from other game shows appear in Snatch Game is a fun variation I can go along with.
The Top 3 were obviously Aquaria, Eureka and Monet X Change, while the bottoms were Asia, The Vixen and Monique Heart. Aquaria winning is absolutely fitting, she owned every single inch of that runway and gave the funniest performance in the entire Snatch Game. She’s now tied with Eureka for 2 wins this season so we have our frontrunners already and the other girls have to hurry up and win something because we’ve only got 3 or 4 more episodes until the finale (I’m going to assume they’re doing the top 4 lip sync thing again this year) so they need to step it up.
Bottom two were Monique Heart and The Vixen, I agree with exactly half of that. Maybe Asia O’Hara’s mermaid look saved her, but that snatch game had exactly 2 major issues and they were the mother/daughter combo that should’ve been lip syncing. Instead, it was Monique who took that spot and because Monique spent the entire night before sewing her outfit, she didn’t have time to learn the words. That’s all you need to know, once you don’t know your words then that’s it, you go home. Her wig came off, her dance moves weren’t matching the song, it was just depressing to watch because you can tell that it’s not a lack of talent, she literally didn’t have the time to get properly ready because she had to make her outfit and that was her downfall. The Vixen was great in the lipsync, she’s a terrific performer who clearly puts 300% into every number but goddamn, I just wish that Monique had the time to do what everyone knows she could do. When she comes back in All Stars 7 or whenever the hell they inevitably bring her back, she’ll have coins to buy outfits and be able to just commit to the show properly like we know she should. Facts are facts, Monique is a goddamn brilliant queen with more than enough heart to share. If you love this talented bitch then go see her in the clubs (I’m going to assume she’ll update that page soon, she also says where she’s performing on facebook) and buy her merch, give her the coins she has earned so she will never have to make a dress in half an hour ever again.
Top 5 Lines
Bianca: I don’t know if she realises she’s funny or if it’s just the inbreeding
Monet X Change: Do you know why the caged bird sings? Because Mariah Carey lost the key.
Aquaria: This is the first time Beyonce’s written for herself
Aquaria: No wonder my husband’s complaining about Chyna all the time
Michelle Visage/RuPaul/Carson Kressly: Miss Vanjie