Playmobil: The Movie (2019) – Everything Is Awful

Released: 12th December
Seen: 23rd December

I don’t think we spend enough time really grappling with how surprisingly good Lego Movie and Lego Movie 2 were. Not only were both of them hilarious and wonderfully animated, but they both also had memorable soundtracks and a well thought out and touching tale about family and bringing them together. Sure they were also giant advertisements for the toy that’s caused more foot pain than ingrown toenails, bunions and athletes’ foot combined but it was a sweet and clever advertisement for that toy. Sure, Lego Ninjago wasn’t that great but Lego Batman made up for it. Movies about the tiny plastic figures going on adventures seems to actually work… when you’re a popular brand like Lego. When you’re Playmobil, also known as “What you buy for your kids when they’ve sold out of Lego”, turns out it doesn’t quite work out as well.

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Them That Follow (2019) – Snakes and Stones May Break My Bones

Seen at the Sydney Underground Film Festival

In 2014 a story circulated about a pastor in Kentucky, the leader of a church called the Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus Name and he was giving his sermon when suddenly he died… oh, his sermon would involve carrying a large poisonous snake around and the reason he died was that the poisonous snake bit him on the hand and injected him with a large amount of venom. This is actually a thing that’s more widespread than you might think, one article I found suggested that over 125 churches use poisonous snakes as part of the service. Several pastors and churchgoers have died from snake bites in these services, to the point where local authorities have had to intervene just to try and keep them from harming the community. Basically, this stuff was almost destined to be used as the foundation for a religious thriller and they got a pretty good one.

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Drunk Parents (2019) – Pass The Wine

Released: 12th June
Seen: 2nd September

Trigger Warning: there is talk about pedophillia and general child abuse in this review… because that stuff is in the movie, so there is both a warning for this review and the movie itself. Fun.

From an audience’s perspective, there is nothing quite as painful as an unfunny comedy. A bad horror movie can be amusing in its own special way, a bad drama is often just accidentally hilarious but a bad comedy is the essence of death. With a bad comedy, the jokes don’t work so there’s no reason to laugh and since that’s the main thing that these movies go for, there’s nothing of value left. A comedy can fail in many ways, a joke just not landing or being too tasteless to be funny or even just by being so poorly edited that any potential comedic timing is rendered moot… anyway, here’s a review of another bad comedy that had potential that got wasted.

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